But It’s Just Hair…Right?

I grew up ashamed of my hair. Everyone around me had long silky straight hair that grew down their backs and I didn’t. I used to always tell my mom that I wanted to wear my hair “hanging down” like my friends at school who were many other races, none were black. While they were able to let their hair go free, I always had some style of IMG_5722braids. Cornrows styled in every imaginable way, micros, crochet. You name it, I had it, and I was being asked questions about it. “Why do your braids stick to your head like
that?” “Is that all your hair?” “You wear FAKE hair?” The questions were endless and sometimes followed by giggles. Sometimes I would lie and say yes it was my hair to save myself from embarrassment. These interactions taught me that something was different about me. They had me believing that something was WRONG with me. By the age of 10, I had already developed a complex about my hair. It was ugly.

I always wanted to use the shampoos and conditioners that I saw on tv. Their commercials always had the lady get her hair washed and once she was finished her hair just flowed and shined and I wanted THAT! I can’t even articulate the disappointment I had when my mom finally used those products on my hair and it didn’t look like the ladies on the commercial. I was so disappointed that I told my mom that I wish I was white so that I could have hair like that. From this moment on, I tried my best to camouflage my hair as much as possible.

Even though I had a relaxer and my hair was straight, I wasn’t happy with my hair because it wasn’t long enough. It wasn’t smooth enough. It just wasn’t enough. I was so unhappy with the hair that God gave me that once I was in charge of my hair I only wore weaves and wigs so that I could have that long, luxurious hair that I always desired. The days that I had to go out with just my hair I would apologize for it, try to cover it, or just try to hide myself. While lot of women use weave and wigs to enhance their looks or play around with different looks, I started using them as a safety blanket that I didn’t think I could leave the house without.

Even when I was finished with relaxers I was more so embarrassed by my hair because my natural hair wasn’t what they (media) portrayed natural hair to look like. It wasn’t IMG_5781big and bouncy with laid edges. I had tight, dry, “nappy” curls thatcouldn’t be “tamed”. Instead of my curls laying, shining and cooperating, I had this bush that grew up to the sky, but thank God for those wigs and bundles! As natural hair became more
“acceptable” I began to envy all the women and girls embracing their natural hair. Their bald heads, their tiny fros, their textures and styles. I loved it on everyone but myself.

One day I started to notice that black women, women like me, were posting all over IMG_5728social media that they love their hair and it wasn’t “tamed”, it wasn’t bouncy, it wasn’t silk pressed. It was natural, growing from their scalps, up to the sky, like mine. And they
LOVED IT! It was embraced! But why couldn’t I embrace it. It was the comments: “Is THAT how you’re going to wear it?” “When are you going to do something to it?” “You don’t comb that?” Yay! More comments to feed my complex.

Eventually as my outlook on the world and myself matured I came to accept myself and my hair as beautiful. After being natural for almost 10 years I’m finally embracing the texture of my hair. No, my curls are juicy could and no my edges aren’t slicked down. I can’t do a wash and go. My hair requires work but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s mine and it’s beautiful! Yes, I will slap a wig on or go get braids in a minute but not as a cover up, I use them as options The questions haven’t stopped and I don’t think they ever will. Now instead of lying or cowering or diverting attention, I proudly answer questions about my hair. Something IS different about me and I’m proud of it!!

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Mask Off

A mask is a covering for all or part of the face, worn as a disguise, or to amuse or terrify other people. A mask is meant to be used for fun. To be taken off after an event or holiday for you to return to your natural face. The face that everyone knows you as. But what would happen in you enjoyed your mask more than you regular face and started to wear it day in and day out. Besides everyone around you seeing it as strange they would also want to know what you are hiding and why you would prefer to stay behind a hot mask. Your skin would start to suffer underneath. It would be hard to breathe. You would start to lose friends. Your family would worry. You would be asked to seek help.

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What if I said all of the same was true about the figurative masks we sometimes wear? Yes, its ok to throw it on real quick when you’re having a bad day but need to go to work so you mask your feelings and deal with them later. Or things are so great with your SO so you guys put on a mask and act like everything is fine while you go out with friends or family then deal with you issues later. Those are natural and OK uses for our figurative masks. But what happens when you wear that mask for too long? Your skin starts to suffer. You will appear strange if you’re happy ALL THE TIME. Your friends and family will want to know what you are hiding. It would be hard to breathe.

You cannot wear a mask forever. That is not a part of it’s purpose. I had to tell this ery same thing to myself because I had been wearing a mask for YEARS and it gets tiring waking up and making sure to remember my mask. Getting home and dealing with myself when I took my mask off at night when I was alone. Having to wear it overnight when I wasn’t able to be alone long enough to take it off and be me. It was getting hard to breath. My skin was suffering and people were trying to figure out what I was hiding.

I got tired yall. I got tired of that mask. No I am not always fine and that is OK. No, I’m not what everyone expects me to be and that is OK. I’m learning to love myself without the mask and its not easy but its worth it. Did I go cold turkey? HELL NO that’s terrifying but I made sure to start with people that I knew who would accept me no matter what and eventually started opening up (or cutting off) those who I was skeptical about. Am I mask free? NOPE. A work in progress is what I am so when I need to, I grab my mask and wear it for its intended purpose and that is ok but I refuse to wear it long enough to forget who I really am ever again.

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Dating?

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So I’ve noticed that the closer I get to thirty the more everyone seems to be interested in my love life. I’m not just talking about my parents and family, I mean my girl friends, guy friends, strangers, people I run into at church, stangers… EVERYONE. I’m not sure if anyone else is experiencing this but its weird. I promise in the past 5 years or so conversations went from “Girl, you have all the time what are you rushing for” to “Girl you better hurry up. What’s taking so long?” “Have you heard of Tinder, Bumble, *insert any name of dating app*?” I mean its crazy. From birth to 25 yes TWENTY FIVE I was practically shamed for being interested in men or even insinuating that I may get married and have a husband one day because I needed to “focus on my goals”. I was always taught that college isn’t an option and you have no time for boys, just one degree isn’t an option, you need to stop worrying about those men and get a good salary paying job, you can afford yourself. Those men aren’t going anywhere, then it was try to start a business then it was ok you have a salary paying job now what side hustle will you be doing. Then BAM “girl why you not married”. And to be quite honest, I don’t know. In my mind I’m thinking “I’ve been out here living the life I was raised to live but not once was I taught about romantic relationships.” I grew up in a two parent home so its not like I never saw one or wanted one but I just never saw it as a priority.

I’m going to be embarrassingly transparent when saying this but at the tender age of 29, I do not know how to date. A few posts back I wrote about missing a few classes on life and this is definitely one that I missed and I know that I’m not the only one. I started to think about of the the girls “dating” in middle/high school and noticed that the experiences they were having back then I didn’t experience until my 20s.

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I was talking to some friends (1 man 1 woman) at a birthday party and my guy friend asked my girl friend if she was dating anyone and what was going on with that. He was shocked when she said no. He replied by saying “ you have everything” and started to list her accomplishments and at that time she and I both answered with “But sometimes that’s too much”(keep in mind she has accomplished way more than I could imagine) and we shared experiences when our accomplishments hindered us from dating and we also joked about how the next time we are in that position that we’re just going to lie and keep that to ourselves because guys don’t want that.

Ok now before I go on, I already know somebody is sitting over there with pouty mouth and I am not trying to cause turmoil. I am not saying all men are like this and I am also not saying that women who are in relationships/marriages are not goal driven. I am saying that these are the men we have come across and these are our experiences.

I have had conversations with friends about this and how we feel about the fact that a lot of men would rather have a girlfriend/wife that they build with or help build up then one that they can combine forces with. To be honest sometimes I wish I could back and wait on somethings…but since I can’t, I’ll just continue to ride this ride.

If you are anyone else has experienced anything like this please leave a comment or send your experience to Jiibberjaaber@gmail.com. You can use your name or choose to be anonymous.

Summer DIY Project #1: Operation Dresser

So I have been away from my blog for far too long but I am back. This post will be a little different compared to my other posts but I wanted to share so share I will do!

For those of you who may not know me, I must tell you that I am not a DIY girl, but I have found that doing things yourself can save A LOT OF MULA and who doesn’t want to do that???? Since Summer is finally here, I can relax until I’m bored then when I get bored I can find a random project to attempt which has led me to this post!!


I found myself looking around my townhome wanting to make some changes but I didn’t exactly have enough coinage to fund my remodeling dreams sooooo I turned to Youtube and started watching DIY videos to get some motivation. I saw a video about using marble contact paper to transform furniture pieces but once I started that, It seemed a little tricky so I put it on pause until I got my feet wet. (I promise I’ll go back and finish)

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For my first project, I figured I would start with something small and hard to ruin so I decided to change the knobs on my dresser and nightstand.

So here I have my dresser that I purchased for my very first apartment in 2013. I wanted to do a little upgrading so that it would fit the personality and décor I have now in 2018 and what easier way than by sprucing it up with some new knobs.

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This project was easy. All I needed was a screwdriver, the knobs and the new screws (included in package from amazon).

 

I decided, to take each knob off one at a time to replace them and VOILA 30-45 minutes later I had a NEW DRESSER!

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Stay tuned for more summer projects, adventures and random chats!

Jingle All The Way!

For some reason I’ve been really in tune with my thoughts and feelings this year and I’ve been trying to figure out why certain things that use to be so exciting have lost their thrill. Since the beginning of this year’s holiday season, I’ve been trying to figure out IMG_1311where my love for Christmas went and how to bring it back and this is what I have come up with.

As a child I was always surrounded by family during the holidays and even into college, when I would come back home I would come back to family and familiarity. As the years have gone by my family has become very spread out due to the death of my grandparents and everyone going their own separate ways as they start their own families and start their own traditions. I’ve also noticed that when I’m out in stores and around the city, not much is decorated, you don’t really hear Christmas music and life goes on as usual.

As an adult, the holiday season turns into a burden. It just adds another checklist to our lives of checklists and stress draped in bright lights and pointy red hats. We stress over who’s getting what? How am I going to buy all this stuff? What are my travel plans?? Not to mention trying to party every other day which means more gifts!!!!!

This year I decided that despite the madness of the season, that I was going to enjoy and soak in every bit of this Christmas season.  I decided that I was going to get back to the basic things that I loved about Christmas, and thats enjoying the scenery and having fun with my friends and family.

To set my Christmas spirit into motion, I started playing my holiday songs and went on a shopping spree (in the thrift store) for any christmas sweater or t-shirt I could find. I put up my tree and threw lights all around my house I invited my parents down to visit me. We did a little holiday shoppings, went to the AHHMAZING Christmas program at my church, took holiday pictures and hung out. Then I went and saw Christmas lights and in between stopped by an ugly sweater party and a white elephant party.

I am satisfied with the outcome of following my decision to slow down and enjoy life because I am determined to enjoy Christmas this year… and so far, I’m having a great time!!

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MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Love,

 

Neesh

You Are Enough!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I feel inadequate. I don’t understand why I can’t just be prettier, smarter, more

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creative, more social. If only I could dress better, be better, do better… I know my parents have some pretty good genes so I know I’m cute but that’s not enough. I wish I could just go out and live carefree. I wish I didn’t care what they thought about me but I want them to and I need them to like me.

Whoa!!Did I just go off her? Was I mad?Resentful? Threatened? Who cares?  I got my point across…I think?There’s no point in scrolling on Insta…it only shines light on how good I’m not. Let me just sit in the house…it’s too much to go out.Maybe if I don’t see them…they won’t see me.

Hello. My name is Lenesha and I have Inferiority Complex.


Let me just try accept this invite…it can’t be that bad. Oooh I think they like me. Idk I

IMG_0140think its a front, they waited until I was gone to judge me. This outfit is cute…but she looks better in it. (hang it up) Oh you’re engaged? Congrats!!! Youjust had a baby?Awww how special. Wow. Your boyfriend showered you in gifts…. Awesome -___- whats that like? Must be nice. “Be happy for them Neesh”  I’m trying…im just worried I’ll never know what its like.

Hello. My name is Nesha and I am overcoming Inferiority Complex.


I’m diving into my dreams and passions! If I fail, at least I tried. If I succeed… it’s because I TRIED!! I come to the table with something substantial to

IMG_0762give. Do I have the whole table? Maybe, maybe not, but I’m contributing. Do I have all the answers?  No, but I’m willing to offer what I have. I’m beautiful! I’m smart! I’m who God wants me to be. If you like me cool. If you don’t…well that’s on you. Head up. Chest out. Smile beaming!

Hello. My name is Neesh and I overcame Inferiority Complex.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s Ok Not to Be Ok

In the state of our city in the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, so many people lost so much but somehow the devastation is only seen in the damage left around the city and not in the faces or personalities of those effected. There are so many people out helping others and saying everything is fine when its not. Those same people who are selflessly volunteering go home every night with burdens all their own.

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Some are out helping while they’ve had to gut their own home and pull up to their belongings on the curb because its been damaged. Some were out helping others then arrive to a powerless and/or waterless home. Some may not have any damage to their home however the damage they suffer is emotional or mental. Regardless of how much physical damage was caused by this storm I honestly believe the emotional damage needs just as much repair.

I guess I’m just here to say that it’s ok to say “No” when you’re asked if you’re ok. It’s ok to turn off the news for a bit.It’s ok to sit and soak it all in. A lot has happened. It’s ok to cry because THIS IS OVERWHELMING. It’s perfectly ok to feel however you are feeling. FullSizeRender

Take care of yourself

Love

Neesh