Adulting is HARD

It just is.

I’m not sure if I’m the only one, but I feel like there was a class in high school or possibly college that was a life prep or adult prep class of some sort and I missed it. Not to like I missed one or two classes but like I missed the entire course… part one AND part two.1grgvx

I’m going to turn 30 in two months and some change and I feel like I’m so behind. I feel like I have so much catching up to do. I just want to know if anybody can just spot me the notes or PowerPoint or even just a cliff notes copy something I just need to catch up.

Now before anybody reminds me that I’m not supposed to be looking at what anybody else is doing and I need to focus on what I’m doing, let me remind you that I AM A HUMAN. (whew! Just had to let that out). Yes, I know that everybody moves at their own pace, but can I move faster than snails pace?!

At this point I’m just letting things happen and waiting to see what God is doing with my me and my life.

OK.Vent….Over.IMG_2799

Thanks for listening (reading)

~Neesh

 

It’s What You Do When No One Is Watching

I’m writing to you from the end of my 21 day fast and I can’t say that I’m mad about my decision to go 21 days without alcohol. Going into it, I was of course worried that I wouldn’t make it (see previous post on consistency) or that I would be stuck in the house missing events. I am proud to say that neither of those things happened!!

To be honest the times that I expected to fail were the strongest days that I had. In those 21 days I hosted a birthday party at my house, endured the extended Martin Luther King break we had unexpectedly due to the Houston Blizzard of 2018, and numerous other outing with my friends and I was not tempted. I was perfectly fine drinking my lemon water and reaping the benefits of not having the extra calories added from alcohol. The times I was tempted to grab a drink were the times when I was alone. When no one was watching and no one would know. It was at those times that I had to remember what I was doing it for and it made me think about a lot of the things that we do.

In those moments after a long day of work or when I was stuck in the house for several days by myself because Houston is just not equipped for any form of ice, snow or slush, I had to really resist the urge to grab a glass of wine… It was just going to be one glass…right? Who would know?  I started thinking about other things I do when I’m by myself or when I’m out and think no one is watching and I realized it’s those are the times when we show who we really are, those are the times when our integrity steps in.

Since we are in the age of social media, everybody (me included) posts what they want people to see and we don’t always get the full story or the bigger picture.There are a lot of things that we do that we wouldn’t dare post and I’ not talking about normal things that are unshareable, I’m talking about just living day to day how we treat people and how we behave behind closed doors. I’m talking about when we leave work or around our friends and take our “social masks” off, who are we?

I honestly gained more than I expected going into this fast but the biggest lesson I’ve IMG_1746learned was to live a life of integrity and it will definitely pay off in the long run!

Consistency, Fasting, & Praying

I don’t know about any of you perfect people out there but I STRUGGLE WITH CONSISTENCY. No matter what I’m trying to be consistent in, I usually fail. Just being honest. Whether it be eating right, exercising, cleaning schedule, work schedule so on and so on…. I JUST CANNOT DO IT!!!! But in true Neesh fashion, I’m here to tell you how I intend to change this in 2018!!

But first…a backstory:
So last year I was supposed to be on a health kick, like every other person in America. I went hard for the first few weeks or so meal prepping, making my shakes, exercising etc. failurebut then per usual I fell off of the wagon. I kept exercising but my meals and alcohol intake began increasing so I was basically undoing all of my workouts and I started

noticing that the body I worked for was leaving so naturally I jumped back on the exercise train…then fell off again. Rinse and repeat.

I usually don’t make new years resolutions but this year I decided to dedicate at least the 1st 6 months of the year to getting fine, mainly my 30th bday is in July, but I also want to live a healthier life. Now making the plan is never hard. All you have to do is write

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a goal down. Sketch out a plan and BAM!!! Im set! I’ll be skinny in July, right?

WRONG!!!! (but y’all knew that already)

The hardest part is executing said plan. So of course I already had this all planned out because I’ve successfully stuck to my fitness goal numerous times before*inert sarcastic tone*. I’m going to eat right, cut out liquor (yikes!), no fast food and get it in at the gym! However, this time I added God to the equation.

My church (Hope City) does a fast at the beginning of the year starting in the second week of oJanuary because my pastor realizes that we’re human and have to warm up to the new year before we can make any changes. We do 21 days of fasting and prayer fasting what ever you choose and praying for God to give you strength and see the desires of your heart. I can tell you guys right now, even though I’m only  a week in, that God was the missing part to my plan.

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I’m fasting from alcohol and fast food and that might seem small to some of you but I was finding myself doing a little too much drinking and also noticing that I didn’t think I could have fun unless I poured up before hand and that concerned me.
Also, alcohol does nothing to aid in weight loss so giving it up was basically a two for one.

I haven’t reached the end yet so I cannot tell you what my outcome is but stay tuned because I will definitely be back to share my progress with this fast and my struggle with consistency. My goal is to make it through these 21 days with no slip ups!!

I know many other people out there fasting or just trying to do something different in their life. Don’t worry…We got this!!!motivation

2017 Reflections

WARNING: Parts of this post my sound like a cliché NYE post…get over it lol

As this year comes to a close and we begin to make our New Year’s resolutions, goals, dreams, visions or whatever you call them, I just want to take a moment to reflect on 2017. For me, this year came with A LOT  of growth. I made a conscious effort to work on my mind, body, soul, and my goals. I made time to stop and smell the roses, hang with my friends and enjoy my family.IMG_3427

So many things came out of this year that I never expected. I went on unplanned trips. I cancelled plans to stay in the bed and sleep. I went out on school nights. Became an aunt for the second time. I reconnected with friends that I hadn’t seen in years.Got back on my fitness journey.  I STARTED THIS BLOG! I faced so many fears and realized that I can do anything I put my mind to.

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Now 2017 definitely wasn’t all roses and sunshine. I spent a lot of time facing myself and discovering who I really was and I must admit, I didn’t like who I saw most of the time. I battled horrible thoughts, depression, anxiety, loneliness but I made sure that no matter how bad I felt that I climbed up out of those places as fast as I could. And once I was out I made sure to look back and figure out how I got there and how I can stop myself from slipping back there again.IMG_5558

No, I didn’t figure my whole life out in this one year, no, I’m not completely perfect but I’m starting to get a better idea of who Lenesha is. 2017 was definitely a good and bad year all in one and I absolutely cannot wait to see what 2018 brings!!

See you next year!

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Jingle All The Way!

For some reason I’ve been really in tune with my thoughts and feelings this year and I’ve been trying to figure out why certain things that use to be so exciting have lost their thrill. Since the beginning of this year’s holiday season, I’ve been trying to figure out IMG_1311where my love for Christmas went and how to bring it back and this is what I have come up with.

As a child I was always surrounded by family during the holidays and even into college, when I would come back home I would come back to family and familiarity. As the years have gone by my family has become very spread out due to the death of my grandparents and everyone going their own separate ways as they start their own families and start their own traditions. I’ve also noticed that when I’m out in stores and around the city, not much is decorated, you don’t really hear Christmas music and life goes on as usual.

As an adult, the holiday season turns into a burden. It just adds another checklist to our lives of checklists and stress draped in bright lights and pointy red hats. We stress over who’s getting what? How am I going to buy all this stuff? What are my travel plans?? Not to mention trying to party every other day which means more gifts!!!!!

This year I decided that despite the madness of the season, that I was going to enjoy and soak in every bit of this Christmas season.  I decided that I was going to get back to the basic things that I loved about Christmas, and thats enjoying the scenery and having fun with my friends and family.

To set my Christmas spirit into motion, I started playing my holiday songs and went on a shopping spree (in the thrift store) for any christmas sweater or t-shirt I could find. I put up my tree and threw lights all around my house I invited my parents down to visit me. We did a little holiday shoppings, went to the AHHMAZING Christmas program at my church, took holiday pictures and hung out. Then I went and saw Christmas lights and in between stopped by an ugly sweater party and a white elephant party.

I am satisfied with the outcome of following my decision to slow down and enjoy life because I am determined to enjoy Christmas this year… and so far, I’m having a great time!!

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MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Love,

 

Neesh

There’s Still Time

One thing that most people don’t know about me is that I struggle with bouts of depression and anxiety. For the past 10+ years I have been passing it off as “me being a moody Cancer” or “that time of the month” or just being an a**hole but in all actuality, I always knew what it was, didn’t take a therapist to diagnose it.

I have missed out on so many authentic joyous occasions because I was battling with this. I’ve even found myself envious of those people who are just happy to be alive, those people that just wake up happy because I must work so hard just to grin sometimes. It’s exhausting to try to pull yourself together and paste on a smile for the world and make deliberate plans to BE happy when every bone in your body wants to collapse..

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It sucks to sit in a room and wish that you could enjoy the moment but some force is weighing down on you and it takes to much to fight it. It sucks when everyone around you notices it and continues to ask you what wrong? And you reply with “Nothing.” It sucks when they realize something is wrong and tell you that you’re ruining the mood. It sucks when you struggle in relationships with the people most important to you because of the dark cloud constantly following you. It sucks when people don’t want to be around you because they don’t know which “you” they are going to get. It sucks when they tell you that. It sucks.

On a recent solo road trip, I had some time to think (3 hours and 22 minutes exactly). I thought about all the things I missed out on in my 20s because i was in a sink hole. I decided that I was not going to take this lifestyle, that I thought I was forced to accept, into my 30s. I’ve always known that I needed help but it was something that I put on the back burner because that was the easiest option. I figured that since my family and friends accepted the outbursts, moments of withdrawal and irrational behavior as “my personality” , that I would accept it too, but I will not accept it because that is not who I am.

I have 8 months to figure things out. I know its not going to be easy and I know its going to take some work but I am willing to put in work if it means that I get to be truly happy.

You Are Enough!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I feel inadequate. I don’t understand why I can’t just be prettier, smarter, more

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creative, more social. If only I could dress better, be better, do better… I know my parents have some pretty good genes so I know I’m cute but that’s not enough. I wish I could just go out and live carefree. I wish I didn’t care what they thought about me but I want them to and I need them to like me.

Whoa!!Did I just go off her? Was I mad?Resentful? Threatened? Who cares?  I got my point across…I think?There’s no point in scrolling on Insta…it only shines light on how good I’m not. Let me just sit in the house…it’s too much to go out.Maybe if I don’t see them…they won’t see me.

Hello. My name is Lenesha and I have Inferiority Complex.


Let me just try accept this invite…it can’t be that bad. Oooh I think they like me. Idk I

IMG_0140think its a front, they waited until I was gone to judge me. This outfit is cute…but she looks better in it. (hang it up) Oh you’re engaged? Congrats!!! Youjust had a baby?Awww how special. Wow. Your boyfriend showered you in gifts…. Awesome -___- whats that like? Must be nice. “Be happy for them Neesh”  I’m trying…im just worried I’ll never know what its like.

Hello. My name is Nesha and I am overcoming Inferiority Complex.


I’m diving into my dreams and passions! If I fail, at least I tried. If I succeed… it’s because I TRIED!! I come to the table with something substantial to

IMG_0762give. Do I have the whole table? Maybe, maybe not, but I’m contributing. Do I have all the answers?  No, but I’m willing to offer what I have. I’m beautiful! I’m smart! I’m who God wants me to be. If you like me cool. If you don’t…well that’s on you. Head up. Chest out. Smile beaming!

Hello. My name is Neesh and I overcame Inferiority Complex.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt