So recently I found myself feeling tired and worn out for what seemed to be no reason. It was summer break, so I wasn’t working. I was half assing my workouts so I wasn’t sore. I had been cancelling plans left and right so I wasn’t being social. I was a hermit. I was sitting home alone…doing nothing…so I couldn’t understand why I was so tired.
I finally started to notice that even though I was laying down every night going to sleep, I was resting. My mind was working nonstop. It was my mind that was tired. It was tired from overthinking literally everything. I realized that I was living for everyone around me and not doing what came natural for me. I didn’t even know what I actually wanted at some points. I was forgetting who I was and working overtime to make sure I was who everyone else expected me to be. I was willing to deal with it internally in order to spare someone else’s feelings even if they weren’t taking care of my feelings just the same. Once I realized what I was doing and understood that I needed to think for myself, I slept for a WHILE. And when I woke up I was able to start the work on me that I needed. I learned 2 things: 1)how to say no and 2)how to speak up for myself and mean it. Trust me it isn’t easy, especially as someone who avoids conflict at all cost even if that means my anxiety is about to be sky high everytime I needed to leave the house. I even tried to normalize it to myself. I started to be ok with showing up to an event an hour late because I was “getting ready”. No, I wasn’t getting ready, I was pacing, checking the mirror, finding things wrong with my outfit, and eventually talking myself out of even going. Now, I didn’t cancel every time but it’s and embarrassing amount and for more excuses than I have time to type.
CHIILLLLEEEEEEEEE Do you know how exhausting that is?
I realized that it was time to unpack. It was time to rearrange the space in my home as well as my brain. It was time to let go of of things physically and mentally. I started noticing that I just wanted to get rid of everything in my house. I was taking bag after bag of clothes to the donation center. I was cleaning out and throwing away anything that looked like it might get in my way but I also noticed that I was(still am) holding on to a lot of unnecessary things. I’m still a work in progress but I know that I have finally reached that point to where I don’t want to hold on to things that aren’t serving a purpose. I had to really sit down with myself and figure out why I was doing some of the things I was doing, like still getting paper mail. GIRL! Its 2019 GO GREEN! Lol! But seriously, I was making sure that the life I was living was working FOR ME. I started realizing that I was slipping into a mundane routine lifestyle and that I was just going about my day the exact same way, EVERYDAY because “that’s what I’ve always done”. Sure, schedules and consistent routines are important but when you start to snatch the fun out of life, it snatches the fun out of YOU. And that what I was sitting at home realizing.I wasn’t having fun anymore. I was using all of my energy complaining about the life that I was in charge of. THAT’S CRAZY!!
Once I was able to get to the root of the issue, I started moving furniture, updating my wardrobe and filling in my calendar! I only got one life and I’m about to live it!