One thing that most people don’t know about me is that I struggle with bouts of depression and anxiety. For the past 10+ years I have been passing it off as “me being a moody Cancer” or “that time of the month” or just being an a**hole but in all actuality, I always knew what it was, didn’t take a therapist to diagnose it.
I have missed out on so many authentic joyous occasions because I was battling with this. I’ve even found myself envious of those people who are just happy to be alive, those people that just wake up happy because I must work so hard just to grin sometimes. It’s exhausting to try to pull yourself together and paste on a smile for the world and make deliberate plans to BE happy when every bone in your body wants to collapse..
It sucks to sit in a room and wish that you could enjoy the moment but some force is weighing down on you and it takes to much to fight it. It sucks when everyone around you notices it and continues to ask you what wrong? And you reply with “Nothing.” It sucks when they realize something is wrong and tell you that you’re ruining the mood. It sucks when you struggle in relationships with the people most important to you because of the dark cloud constantly following you. It sucks when people don’t want to be around you because they don’t know which “you” they are going to get. It sucks when they tell you that. It sucks.
On a recent solo road trip, I had some time to think (3 hours and 22 minutes exactly). I thought about all the things I missed out on in my 20s because i was in a sink hole. I decided that I was not going to take this lifestyle, that I thought I was forced to accept, into my 30s. I’ve always known that I needed help but it was something that I put on the back burner because that was the easiest option. I figured that since my family and friends accepted the outbursts, moments of withdrawal and irrational behavior as “my personality” , that I would accept it too, but I will not accept it because that is not who I am.
I have 8 months to figure things out. I know its not going to be easy and I know its going to take some work but I am willing to put in work if it means that I get to be truly happy.