WARNING: Parts of this post my sound like a cliché NYE post…get over it lol
As this year comes to a close and we begin to make our New Year’s resolutions, goals, dreams, visions or whatever you call them, I just want to take a moment to reflect on 2017. For me, this year came with A LOT of growth. I made a conscious effort to work on my mind, body, soul, and my goals. I made time to stop and smell the roses, hang with my friends and enjoy my family.
So many things came out of this year that I never expected. I went on unplanned trips. I cancelled plans to stay in the bed and sleep. I went out on school nights. Became an aunt for the second time. I reconnected with friends that I hadn’t seen in years.Got back on my fitness journey. I STARTED THIS BLOG! I faced so many fears and realized that I can do anything I put my mind to.
Now 2017 definitely wasn’t all roses and sunshine. I spent a lot of time facing myself and discovering who I really was and I must admit, I didn’t like who I saw most of the time. I battled horrible thoughts, depression, anxiety, loneliness but I made sure that no matter how bad I felt that I climbed up out of those places as fast as I could. And once I was out I made sure to look back and figure out how I got there and how I can stop myself from slipping back there again.
No, I didn’t figure my whole life out in this one year, no, I’m not completely perfect but I’m starting to get a better idea of who Lenesha is. 2017 was definitely a good and bad year all in one and I absolutely cannot wait to see what 2018 brings!!
See you next year!
For some reason I’ve been really in tune with my thoughts and feelings this year and I’ve been trying to figure out why certain things that use to be so exciting have lost their thrill. Since the beginning of this year’s holiday season, I’ve been trying to figure out where my love for Christmas went and how to bring it back and this is what I have come up with.
As a child I was always surrounded by family during the holidays and even into college, when I would come back home I would come back to family and familiarity. As the years have gone by my family has become very spread out due to the death of my grandparents and everyone going their own separate ways as they start their own families and start their own traditions. I’ve also noticed that when I’m out in stores and around the city, not much is decorated, you don’t really hear Christmas music and life goes on as usual.
As an adult, the holiday season turns into a burden. It just adds another checklist to our lives of checklists and stress draped in bright lights and pointy red hats. We stress over who’s getting what? How am I going to buy all this stuff? What are my travel plans?? Not to mention trying to party every other day which means more gifts!!!!!
This year I decided that despite the madness of the season, that I was going to enjoy and soak in every bit of this Christmas season. I decided that I was going to get back to the basic things that I loved about Christmas, and thats enjoying the scenery and having fun with my friends and family.
To set my Christmas spirit into motion, I started playing my holiday songs and went on a shopping spree (in the thrift store) for any christmas sweater or t-shirt I could find. I put up my tree and threw lights all around my house I invited my parents down to visit me. We did a little holiday shoppings, went to the AHHMAZING Christmas program at my church, took holiday pictures and hung out. Then I went and saw Christmas lights and in between stopped by an ugly sweater party and a white elephant party.
I am satisfied with the outcome of following my decision to slow down and enjoy life because I am determined to enjoy Christmas this year… and so far, I’m having a great time!!
One thing that most people don’t know about me is that I struggle with bouts of depression and anxiety. For the past 10+ years I have been passing it off as “me being a moody Cancer” or “that time of the month” or just being an a**hole but in all actuality, I always knew what it was, didn’t take a therapist to diagnose it.
I have missed out on so many authentic joyous occasions because I was battling with this. I’ve even found myself envious of those people who are just happy to be alive, those people that just wake up happy because I must work so hard just to grin sometimes. It’s exhausting to try to pull yourself together and paste on a smile for the world and make deliberate plans to BE happy when every bone in your body wants to collapse..
It sucks to sit in a room and wish that you could enjoy the moment but some force is weighing down on you and it takes to much to fight it. It sucks when everyone around you notices it and continues to ask you what wrong? And you reply with “Nothing.” It sucks when they realize something is wrong and tell you that you’re ruining the mood. It sucks when you struggle in relationships with the people most important to you because of the dark cloud constantly following you. It sucks when people don’t want to be around you because they don’t know which “you” they are going to get. It sucks when they tell you that. It sucks.
On a recent solo road trip, I had some time to think (3 hours and 22 minutes exactly). I thought about all the things I missed out on in my 20s because i was in a sink hole. I decided that I was not going to take this lifestyle, that I thought I was forced to accept, into my 30s. I’ve always known that I needed help but it was something that I put on the back burner because that was the easiest option. I figured that since my family and friends accepted the outbursts, moments of withdrawal and irrational behavior as “my personality” , that I would accept it too, but I will not accept it because that is not who I am.
I have 8 months to figure things out. I know its not going to be easy and I know its going to take some work but I am willing to put in work if it means that I get to be truly happy.